such beautiful specific details

I feel I was never able to forget anyone I've been with. Because each person have... their own, specific qualities. You can never replace anyone. What is lost is lost. Each relationship, when it ends, really damages me. I never fully recover. That's why I'm very careful with getting involved, because... It hurts too much! Even getting laid! I actually don't do that... I will miss on the other person the most mundane things. Like I'm obsessed with little things. Maybe I'm crazy, but... when I was a little girl, my mom told me that I was always late to school. One day she followed me to see why. I was looking at chestnuts falling from the trees, rolling on the sidewalk, or... ants crossing the road, the way a leaf casts a shadow on a tree trunk... Little things. 

I think it's the same with people. I see in them little details, so specific to each of them, that move me, and that I miss, and... will always miss. You can never replace anyone, because everyone is made of such beautiful specific details. Like I remember the way, your beard has a bit of red in it. And how the sun was making it glow, that... that morning, right before you left. I remember that, and... I missed it! I'm really crazy, right?

Yo tenía la idea de que las personas desaparecían. 

Desconozco cómo pudo ser que lo afirmara con tanta certeza.

Estaba convencida.  

Quizás por eso esté intentando hacer algo que no va a resultar. Como si hubiera algo por hacer...¿no?

Mientras tanto, el alrededor hace presente el pasado cada día. Lo hace con tanta naturalidad que me sorprende. Entonces me dicen que los seres no se van ni se borran, sino que ese tiempo compartido junto a ellos sigue estando en uno. "Debe ser una dimensión ajena a los sentidos", pienso mientras lo escribo. Y no creo que tenga que ver con ser nostálgicos. 

Celebran que el cuerpo me pida a gritos verte. Yo digo que es triste y me responden que no. Me hablan de lo bello de poder sentir, más allá de que no pueda concretar mi deseo.  

Claro, evidentemente no entendí nada.

Quizás es como dice Celine. 

Quizás se trate de ser a partir de todo lo que fuimos, con quienes fuimos, aún cuando ellos ahora sean sólo ausencias.